Tuesday, July 21, 2015

What Do I Want To Do

Hi, I'm Mike, and Jeremy has kindly let me post on his blog - thanks Jeremy!

This picture doesn't really have anything to do with the rest of this post. It's just a pretty image of the moon behind some clouds that my wife took.

The other night I had a dream.

Now, when I say this, obviously I dream all the time (generally whilst supposedly watching a movie - my wife hates going to the cinema with me, a dark room and a soft seat is all it takes for me to have a nap) but it is rare that I actually remember my dreams, usually I go to sleep and everything goes past in a trice, and then it's morning-time.  However, the other night I actually remembered my dream for once.

I don't recall all of the details of my dream, but it centred around the fact that me and my wife were around 50 - I was being told that I was 50, and the two of us had a bit of a chat about life.  It was the year 2021 (which is odd because I won't be 48 in 2021 - but no one ever said that dreams had a strong point when it came to being accurate), and everything generally was okay.

I woke up really quite unsettled, and disappointed in myself that I had allowed so much time to go past without having achieved whatever I was that I want to have achieved.

Now, before I go on, let me emphasise right here that I do not think fifty is old.  My manager is fifty, a great guy who is very active, both in and outside of work.  My parents are past fifty, and they're busy running their business, writing books, doing stuff.  I know of many other people who are older than me that I look up to, enjoy their company and their work, and are very busy with their fully active lives.

Nevertheless, mortality is something that will affect each and every one of us, it is the one certainty. And I endeavour, in my life, to use it as a force for positive change - I recognise that, putting accidents and illnesses to one side, that I am probably something like forty percent through my life, and it is important to make the most of the rest of it.  Of course, it's easy to say something like this as an off the cuff remark (or indeed to write it in a blog), it's much harder to actually live it.  The day to day minutiae of life interferes.

What I've been struggling with is the question "what do I actually want to achieve?"  I know part of the answer - I want to be able to support my family, for them to be happy and healthy, but beyond that, what do I want for myself?

I really don't know.

Now let me emphasise right here - nothing is wrong with my life, and I am very lucky.  My friends and family are healthy and wonderful, I have a good job with a great team that I enjoy, and essentially my life is reasonably comfortable.  I'm sure some people reading this (for I know that many thousands of people come to the Whacko blogs - and if they don't then they ought to) will think "What has he to complain about?", and you're entirely right.  Still, I do complain - perhaps because I'm English and that's just one of the things that we enjoy doing!

I've always believed that I wanted to create, this is why I began blogging, to have a reason to write regularly, and I do love blogging - I do go through peaks and troughs of enjoyment, and right now I'm slap bang in a furrow.  I'm going to push on through and keep blogging, as in the past I've found that just keeping going with the blogs helps to get me back in the mood.

I'm found that I'm not (to my mind) overly prolific - three or four posts a week maximum is pretty much as much as I can churn out.  This is annoying, as I do see opportunities out there to get my work out and about, but I struggle to be able to actually write enough stuff.  And I do wonder if writing is what I actually want to do, or if there is something else, or some subcategory of writing perhaps, and ultimately I haven't quite figured out yet the exact thing I want to do.

I do enjoy entertaining people (at least I hope that's what happens) with my blogs and videos, and I have no intention of stopping.

So, I'm going to try to figure out what it is that I want, and I welcome thoughts from anyone on how to do this!  Feel free to drop a comment below if you've got any ideas, or perhaps to share your feelings - do you ever feel this way?


Mike, when not drinking or playing computer games, blogs over at The Blog of Thog (thoggy.blogspot.com)